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"The ability to face the conflicts and fears within ourselves, to acknowledge our longing for security, for roots and unending love and approval and yet - at the same time - to remain unswervingly fixed on an uncertain, insecure path because we sense it to be our right path, is, to my way of thinking, a heroic thing. This is the courage to be."
-Marsha Sinetar
I said I would do a Volume 20. So I've got to do it. I don't really have time to do it, but a promise is a promise. Despite the fact that no one would care if I went back on it. I guess I could talk about the reason I have no time to write. What I'm dealing with right now is a wedding in exactly one week. To the minute, actually. That's kind of cool. And then after the wedding we're going on a honeymoon for a week. That's good. And then we've been trying to figure out what we're going to do when we get back from the honeymoon. We need a place to live and a way to support ourselves until Amanda finds a job. So that's the other thing we've been working on. Not to mention that I've got to pack up all the stuff I've managed to accumulate in this house over the last seventeen years. Going along with all this is the fact that we're going to be going away for the summer, and who knows where we'll go after that. So I feel the need to get in touch with all my friends before we're gone and spend some time with them. Some that I haven't seen in forever I need to dig up. Some I still need to get to know. That's the biggest strain.
What we've found to do this summer is an agency that provides vacations for people with disabilities. These are all kinds of people that are the customers here. Some have physical disabilities, some are retarded, some have mental illnesses, all kinds of things. But they are all fairly high-functioning and independent. They come from all over to go on one of our vacations, either in a house in Maine or one in Cape Cod. And we entertain and take care of them for a week. And then another group comes. Our duty is to provide a true vacation for them, to give them a good time. And to make sure they stay safe.
I'm nervous about the job, but I'm also excited about it. I've never done any work like this, so I'm not sure how it's going to be. But I would guess that I couldn't help but have a learning experience, dealing with so many different people for a summer. This is how life comes about, through all the crazy things you do on a whim, or strange opportunities that pop up from behind. This program will provide us with room, board and money for the summer. As well as a load of experiences. I guess that's all we can request.
I'm still eager to be job-hunting for Amanda though. Because I am eager to find out where we'll be living, to find a place to live, and to settle in. I've been ready to settle for a year or so now, but I'll have to still put it off. I have the need to have my own living space, and my own schedule, and just have a nearly brand new life. I've always loved to start over, and to set things up and prepare. My enthusiasm doesn't always continue past that stage, but I still love to do it. I had a great time getting ready for college, planning for all the supplies I'd need, and how I was going to set up my room, and how I was going to set up my notebooks, and my schedule for the day. It's exciting to redesign your life. I used to go to bed early, and then get up before anyone else in the dorm. I'd get ready with no line in the showers, and then head down towards the dining hall. It usually wouldn't be open, so I'd go in the Rec Room and play pool by myself for a while, and check my mail. That's not the perfect schedule, but it was so completely different than my regular life. It was new, and that was what was important. Everything was new. I'd like everything to be new again. A new apartment, a new job, a new town, a new life. I guess I'm going to get that this summer, but not one I can depend on for very long, so I'm not going to be able to settle. That will wait until fall I suppose. I hope.
I never used to be a music freak, but that seems to be a big part of my life now. I was thinking last night about how much of my day is involved with music. Whenever I'm free I'm often listening to music, if I'm home. I don't use my walkman much, so when I'm at work I'm music free. I spend a lot of my free time either reading my Internet mailing lists about musicians (Neil Young and Jewel), or making tapes for people I've met through those mailing lists. Or coming up with other projects to do for those people. It's not that music is oh-so-important to me. It's more the interaction that appeals to me.
I think it's more the idea of a mailing list, and all the great things that happen through one that appeals to me, not the actual subject of the list. It's a way to interact with a lot of people constantly, it gives you a chance to accomplish something, a way to be a leader, or to exercise your creativity. I've had a ton of fun involving myself in this music world, I'm just not sure why I got into it. It's not the music that drew me in, it's the culture. The Internet culture and the Tape Trading culture. There's so much you can do in it, so much you can learn. Like any hobby, it's a whole new world that outsiders don't know anything about. And every nook and cranny of it holds things to learn. There's etiquette, and equipment, and reputations. If I wanted I could spend hours learning about different tape decks, and trying to find out which one would give me the best quality, and how to control recording levels. All this stuff just to do tape trades. I could learn about digital and analog recorders, and the types of mics, and how to get the best copy of a concert. I could try to collect a tape of every concert an artist has ever done, or memorize every detail about their recording careers. There is so much depth, and the Internet allows you to meet all these people who swim in those depths. It's an amazing tool, an amazing hobby and an amazing addiction.
I would never peg myself as one who would be so involved in music. I'm not a musician, and despite my love for certain artists I'm not a fanatic. I don't get obsessive about musicians or music. I love it, but not in the way that a lot of fans do. So I wouldn't be a good person to peg to do this. But I think we all have a million interests, and each one is a whole world unto itself. So no matter which one we involve ourselves with, we can sink right in. I could have decided to get into bike riding, and spend my time reading bike magazines, and comparing pedal styles. But I just happened to get into this. That's kind of weird.
I'm just about out of time, so I better wrap things up. This is kind of a farewell to my writing schedule, and to my Internet connection. I won't see either of them for the summer at least. They've both kind of defined my life for six months or more, but I'm ready to do something different for a while. I know I'll be back to both. The Internet has proven to have a lot of appeal to me. It represents a philosophy of independence that I hold dear, and a means for interaction that has meant a lot to me. I hope to come back and jump into the culture once again. I also hope to get more into web page writing. So the Internet will definitely be there in the future. Writing has always been off and on for me. It's been on for these 20 issues, but I realize that with this summer looming, I won't be doing much writing probably. Unless the inspiration hits me. Actually, not true. What I'm going to do is to turn my writing hand towards letters. I have a lot of people to write to, so I think I'll get the same outlet I get through this newsletter. My letters are always just as much to myself as they are to anyone. Like this newsletter they are a way for me to discover what I am thinking. So writing won't go away, it will just transform. I hope to get in contact with all of you again. Thanks for listening....
"When the sun rises, I go to work.
When the sun goes down, I take my rest,
I dig the well from which I drink,
I farm the soil which yields my food,
I share creation, Kings can do no more."