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"I am just a dreamer.
But you are just a dream.
You could have been anyone to me."
-Neil Young
There is probably nothing more important or more frustrating than human relationships. The happiest, well-adjusted person still feels the need to communicate with others, to have people with whom they can share their interests, their thoughts, and emotions. Communicating with others does more than allow you to express your feelings and thoughts, it expands them. Touching another person is like touching another world; reaching out to others is like growing.
There are different levels of affinity between friends. Some people are friends, but only connect with us in a certain field of interest. I have some friends on the Internet who I relate to wholly based on music. My life is so much better with these people, because with them a part of me is expressed that I usually must repress. I can let loose my obsessions with certain musical artists, and not hear groans, but rather affirmations. And I see that there are others who possess my feelings, although expressed in a million unique ways. We share an affinity that I don't experience in the rest of my life. Yet if we were to talk about sports, or our philosophies on life, we may find it painful to deal with each other. In most cases that affinity only extends so far.
I suppose it's possible, but impractical, to have different sets of friends for each of my interests. But eventually the narrow nature of our relationship would come to light. I think we all need friends who we can relate to broadly, who we could listen to music with, as well as hit the town. People who can be a part of our whole life, rather than just a special interest. These are our close friends, of whom I have a handful. They are people who I could hang out with, or write a letter to, without groping for something to talk about. Our affinity lies broad, though not always deep. None of my close friends share my exact interests in music or living, but they share many of my general interests. I don't get bored talking to them. But sometimes I yearn for something more. My special interest friends complement my close friends, and allow me to vent the thoughts and feelings that most of my friends wouldn't care about.
There are another class of friends whose affinity runs deep. These are soul-mates. We're told they only come once in a lifetime, and they usually take the form of a spouse. But not always. I think it's possible to meet more than one soul-mate; in all our years on the earth, what could be a better task than to search for them. And they can be friends or lovers. All that it takes is to meet someone who strikes you deep; whose affinity with your thoughts and feelings goes as far down as possible. Someone who naturally understands you, whose being resonates with your own. A soul-mate doesn't have to take part in all of your interests. They don't even have to be as close to you as a close friend, they can be remarkably unlike you. A soul-mate is only marked by the way they reach all the way into you. They become part of you. No matter their differences, when two people are connected that deeply, understanding follows. They are within you; you've swallowed their whole being. It may be so different, but it's in you now, and therefore can never be unloved.
It does the soul good to be touched by all these different hands. Each causes you to resonate in a different way; each fulfills a different need. Too much time with a soul-mate and you long to obsess with someone on your interests. Too much time with a close friend and you long for the intimacy of a soul-mate. They all allow you the greatest joy a human being can know; to become. There's nothing more amazing than to examine another person, and to realize that here is another human being, just as rich and full and complex as I. Every time you make a friend your universe expands by infinity.
A lot of people spend a lot of lonely lives looking for friendship. A lot of people wish they had someone with whom to share their feelings, their experiences. However, despite the wonder of friendship, I think the truth is that life is a solitary experience. Coming to understand that would be a path to happiness for so many people. "The only truly magical and poetic exchanges that occur in this life occur between two people. Sometimes it doesn't get that far. Often, the true glory of existence is confined to individual consciousness. That's okay. Let us live for the beauty of our own reality." (Robbins).
To me, life is what you experience in your head: the thoughts, emotions, memories and sensations. We can try to share these things, but in the end, there is always a basic level of experience that remains our own. We each have a unique set of emotions and thoughts which are not translatable. There are certainly times when people are able to share a common experience. Friends feeling each other's emotions; concert-goers joining into the spirit of the music; church-goers experiencing a communal epiphany. But each of us reacts individually to these events, and though our reactions may share a common theme, they are each so different. Though two people can share an emotion to its greatest depth, they can never completely unveil the associations and intricacy of their particular emotional state.
The human mind is too complex, too filled with memories and thoughts for it ever to be possible to let them all out. Our mind is constantly sensing, feeling and thinking. Constantly commenting and remembering. There is so much that goes on. And it takes so many words to explain just one happy childhood image.
So the human condition demands that the majority of our internal life will remain internal. We can only share experiences so far; we can only communicate so much. If you depend on others to understand and appreciate your thoughts, you will remain unfulfilled. The way to happiness and growth is to see that the ties that link us to others are so weak, and then to see how perfect your tie to your internal life is. You should make yourself into a companion. The perfect companion, for you are the only one who will always understand.
Talking and sharing experiences with others is certainly one of the best things I do. But that is because I don't expect of it more than it can deliver. I plumb to the possible depths with others, always realizing that only I alone can go all the way. Understanding this helps you to deal with others, as well as yourself. I have been guilty in the past of expecting too much of others, and expecting too much of our limited forms of communication. Only frustration can come of that. You have your friends in the world, and then you must have your truest friend, yourself.
To me at this moment, my internal life is the most amazing thing that exists. All those who search the world for someone to know them, have they ignored themselves? What is a greater fantasy than a companion who doesn't even need words, who understands your every thought the instant you create it; with whom you can have a dialogue at any moment, any second; someone who knows your life story, and your fears; who truly knows the joys and sorrows in your memories, better than words could ever evoke; a companion who you can debate with, sympathize with, or meditate with; one who can always keep a secret, and knows them all anyway.
We each spend every waking moment conversing and interacting with our internal selves. The time we spend communicating with others in comparison is minimal. So if there is one thing that is the most important in our lives, it is that internal communication. How many of us try so hard to ignore that internal world, who can't walk in silence without strapping on the walkman, who can't sit quietly, who can't listen to their own advice, or trust their own thoughts. What wonders have come from the human mind. That's no excuse to go out and look for a genius. You've got a human mind of your own, and wonder is waiting within it. Spend some time listening to your thoughts, rather than the blather of others. Learn the practice of listening, which is living. Life goes on all around you, but your life is going on inside of you.
If we were happy with ourselves, than it would be hard to be miserable. All it takes to be happy with yourself is to take delight in your internal companion. I don't know the words to describe this realization, but my internal companion knows exactly what I mean. I visualize a space within me, where my mind lives. And within that space I can do anything, say anything, utter any thoughts. I have no reason to hide, or wonder what others will think. My thoughts can grow wild, and they grow thick. Everything that is good in life takes place in there. The things I imagine, that I labor so hard to put into words, already reside in perfect form in my mind. My thoughts are much better tools than these words, and with them I have created some amazing ideas. I have created philosophies, opinions, stories, worlds, and characters. And in this space they exist completely. Outside, they look crude and vulgar, and people misunderstand them. But what does that matter, in here they are perfection. If only everybody knew the joy of working within your mind. There, things are at their most beautiful. There, I am perfectly understood. A friend like that is hard to come by. Or so one would think.
The truth is, we all have such a friend. Can people ever complain in this life, when they have been given such a gift? We all have our own perfect soul-mate, every human being on the planet. Things don't seem so rough when you think of that. Friends are certainly one of the wonders of life. But I know I'll always have one friend. And together in my solitude we're going to make my life a joy.
O solitude! O my home, solitude! How happily and tenderly your voice speaks to me! We do not question each other, we do not complain to each other, we often walk together through open doors. For where you are, things are open and bright; and the hours too walk on lighter feet here. For in darkness, time weighs more heavily on us than in the light. Here the words and word-shrines of all being open up before me: here all being wishes to become word, all becoming wishes to learn from me how to speak.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
The End